Has Someone Close to You Died?

It is not unusual to experience feelings of numbness, anger, despair, shock, disbelief, sadness, guilt, anxiety, and sometimes even relief.  One of the most powerful grief feelings can be a sense of yearning or missing your loved one. Many people describe having a sense of the presence of their loved one which can be a great comfort, for others this may be distressing. These feelings are normal in grief but can be overwhelming and often difficult to put into words.

You might also have thoughts that: ”It’s all my fault”; “I can’t live without them”; “I’m going mad”; “I keep thinking I’ve seen them”; “what’s the point?”; “It’s not fair!”.

Typical grief related behaviours can include: appetite changes, pacing around the house, restlessness and searching behaviours, forgetfulness, loss of concentration, loss of confidence, loss of interest in the things you normally enjoy, not looking after yourself, avoiding seeing people, avoiding places you went together or feeling unable to stop visiting places where you feel close to them.  Many people struggle to go to sleep or find themselves waking early. Some may withdraw from family and friends whilst others don’t want to be alone.

Many people experience physical symptoms after a loss and are often compared to depression or anxiety.  Lack of sleep might cause us to be more irritable or confused; changes in our eating might make us lightheaded or feeling sick.  The typical anxiety symptoms such as stomach churning, heart racing, shaking and being hypersensitive to noise may also add to us feeling physically drained.  Sometimes people worry about developing similar symptoms to the person who has died, and we can become preoccupied with our health.

In the case of a sudden death, physical effects can be related to trauma and stress reactions such as being jumpy or on high alert, waiting for something to happen, having intrusive thoughts/images or even flashbacks. Nightmares or disturbed dreams can also be common.

All of these feelings, thoughts, sensations, and behaviours are normal.  It’s important to recognise that you need to take care and look after yourself more than you would normally.

Talk to your close family and friends, especially those that you feel understand.

Don’t listen to those who say you ‘should be doing better than you are’.

Remember that grief is not linear – there isn’t a right way or a wrong way and there is no set path to follow.

Tell yourself that you are normal for feeling the way that you do.

Find ways to continue your bond with your loved one, they may not be here physically, but they can still be present in your life.  You might want to make a memory box and fill it with things that remind you of them – this can be passed on to younger generations so they will get to know them too.  You might want to engage in things that they used to do, for example cooking or DIY.  You could become the one within the family who organises get-togethers or you might want to honour your loved one by taking part in a charity event to raise money in their name.

The most important thing to remember is to be kind to yourself.  Show yourself the compassion and empathy that you would give to someone else who is grieving.

Call 111 press 2 or speak to your GP.

Don’t go back to work too soon.

Talk to someone close to you.

You could be referred for grief counselling.  Sometimes it is helpful to talk to someone outside of your family and friends and it can be helpful to retell your story over and over again. This can help you to make sense of how you are feeling, and it can help to normalise the grieving process.